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Closure is validating and vindicating. It facilities the acceptance required in order to let go, move on, and surrender to all that life wants to bring into our existence.
It is said that confronting our abusers can be crucial to our healing, but when it comes to narcissists and psychological abusers, most of whom lack empathy and have discarded and deleted you, chances are that we will never receive the answers to the countless questions we have obsessively listed on hundreds of mental post-it notes, over and over and over...
The times we questioned our own sanity, because according to our abuser, two plus two never seemed to equal four when we sensed, observed, or questioned happenings in our relationship and environment. The gaslighting was so ferocious that we legitimately wondered if we were losing our minds, especially since it was the person we loved the most ( and thought loved us) who executed the betrayal.
I've had to forego receiving closure, and thanks to a video titled How to Find Closure When a Narcissist Discards You by Melanie Tonia Evans, I was able to clear the energy which was muddled with the need to know. I still have the same questions (and I'll be listing them below), but my ability to move on is no longer tethered or anchored to receiving answers. Logically speaking, how could I expect a person who was capable of behaving as cowardly and maliciously as he did, to ever give me truth or peace? If he was capable of providing me help or empathy, he probably would not have been capable of harming me in the manner and extent that he did. Expecting him to acknowledge or apologize for his horrible acts would be agreeing that two plus two equals five.
So now, for my own healing, for my throat chakra's sake, I want to confront my abuser. I am going to list all of my questions, even while knowing that there is zero chance that he will ever answer any of them, at all, or truthfully. I'm going to tell him the things he silenced me from speaking when he smeared and stonewalled me, then ran off to hide in the pocketbook of his narcissistic mother and the bosom of another woman. My body, mind, and heart have carried the weight and burden of this list for over two years. It's time to release. It's time to bust the blackened cinderblock that has developed in my stomach.
I am going to speak my truth, because my truth deserves to be spoken.
Dear Abuser,
I have a list of questions that I'd like answered. I don't expect you to ever grant me any form of relief by answering, but for my peace of mind, for the pain and swelling in my throat, for what feels like cancer developing in my stomach, I'll ask anyways:
After or during my arrest, your step-father told you twice that I did not assault your sister. Why didn't you tell the police that she was lying? How can you advocate for mental health and simultaneously allow an innocent person to be arrested? Not just an innocent person, but the person you lived with and loved for a year and a half? How could you let me hang? You and your siblings have deserved records. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve to have the ailments, the lack of will, a deadened spirit. I did no harm to anyone, yet I live with the burden of the harm you caused over two years ago.
What ultimatum did your mother give you after I asked her to please have conversation with you about finances? When I asked you if anything in the financial arrangement had changed, you said, "no." I asked you twice. Yet, you began asking questions about my settlement. You seemed disappointed when I found out that the house I had hoped to buy fell through. More disappointed than I was, and it was my 5-year wait. You encouraged me to work at a bar, yet a year earlier when I suggested this, you said you didn't want me to, due to the late nights and drunk people. After my settlement didn't arrive as expected, you flipped the script; you called me a moocher, although you know damn well that your mom wouldn't accept my money. I still have her texts telling me to never again pay fo the car payment because she pulled out $5000 from her inheritance. I noticed your mom's snarky comment during the family camping trip (the one I didn't want to attend because I couldn't afford it, but you pressured me into going on) when you and I went to dinner, as if she knew that it would be one of our last.
Remember when you threw the clock cross the room because it was ticking too loud? I suppose I saw your anger too, and wasn't afraid of it. I wasn't afraid until you raged at me in front of our friends on another camping trip, and then again when you threw your phone at me because I asked why you were being so secretive about it. I saw it when you screamed about your dad picking you to handle his affairs after he died, and that you were more trustworthy and better that the rest of your siblings. You bragged and yelled, yet you couldn't handle opening mail. I had to help you tackle the pile of bills and find out the process. I have no doubt that in the end, your mother handled everything for your. Its extremely emotional; the business of death. I know full well; my mother died less than a year after you allowed your family to ambush and humiliate me. I handled 95% of it myself, and that was after taking care of her for 5 months after her May 2020 Stage 4 diagnosis, and helping her eat, take medicine, go to the bathroom. She died in my bed.
How do you feel about saying horrible things about your best friends and your family, yet clinging to all of them when you were too afraid to get a job for fear of criticism? Is that what it all boiled down to? She made you choose getting a job (and staying with me) or moving into your 30's still being supported by her, but not having to work. This is my guess.
You called the girlfriend before me crazy, and the one before that depressed. I'm sure you've told your new girlfriend that I was all of the above? What about your weaknesses? The ailments you suffered? The ones I never made you feel bad about, never used as weapons, never shamed you for? How can you sit on your high horse knowing that you couldn't even stand up to your own mother? I'm happy you finally got away from her, but not before you squeezed that last school year out. Did she ever forgive you for lying about taking the summer off? Makes sense that you wanted to throw some money my way at the end of that summer; you had all that tuition that you never paid the school. And, of course she forgave you. All she cared about was keeping you to herself. Family first, remember? This is referenced in a video titled "The Narcissistic Family Cult," on the youTube channel Inner Integration. Might want to check that out.
What was the pact you made with your best friend?
Did you call the police on me while I was in Big Bear?
Did you sleep with our friend and neighbor while I was in Big Bear?
You definitely cheated. Just wondering when is it the same girl (supply) that you're with now? Or did you keep jumping until one stuck?
You were the person that I finally relaxed with. All of your therapy mumbo jumbo, telling me that I didn't have to be in flight or flight anymore. It was me and you until the end. I was able to work through things that I never had a chance to. I thought I was safe. Imagine, the only difference is that we were at home rather than a therapy office; do you think its alright to do to me what you would have never done to a client?
After I caught you lying about the video (editing it to make it seemed like I told you to kill yourself) and lying about me taking Xanax and driving you and your friends around, you never brought it up again. I take it I was right about all of your lies.
How could you face our neighbors after what you did? How could you be ok with moving all of your stuff back in after your big dramatic exit with your disgusting family to throw me out? It must feel nice to have a momma bear like you do. Someone that will set up and get you what you want, even if you are wrong and cruel. Your entire family believes that the two of you engage in emotional incest. Your thoughts?
Remember that birthday party for our neighbor? How funny the two of you were acting after...her trying to flatter me by telling me how much everyone there liked me. You going on about "millennials" and how at the party "they were all on their phones." I remember brushing this off, but also being very curious about you even noticing. It was as if you were trying to get me join the conversation and get upset. It took more than that though, right? It took you purposely farting around me as loudly and grotesquely as you could, and calling my mom "dear," while looking straight up at me from her car with a smirk on your face, and mocking me, making fun of my vision board, telling me that you shared your pains with your therapy group, while I was the one that supported you after your father's death.
Were you at the photography shoot with our neighbor? She was wearing angel wings (how ironic). One of the comments on social media was "Where is The ______" (your name...remember The Chameleon? You used our nicknames at that shoot. You had her ask me for a ride to the airport so you could run into the apartment. Is this the same time you took your journal from under the bed?
Did you hang out with the guy on the paper? The one I found in the apartment?
Did you break in to the apartment to find this paper?
Why did your mom and sister accuse me of harassing your friend via text when she was the one who constantly asked my whereabouts? I avoided her like the plague after the ambush because I had a feeling she was just trying to get information. Her response to my questions sounded very very similar to you, including "ur."
When I met your sister, she said, in a very unconvincing tone, that I "fit in." Your father said it too. I'm wondering, did you share with them that I didn't feel that I fit in anywhere, and to tell me I did so I would feel comfortable?
Remember I asked you why the utility bill was suddenly coming to the apartment? Did you ever find out why? What a strange coincidence that my parking permit wasn't paid and the utility bills started showing up. Seems like some an avoidant personality would do to passive-aggressively send me a signal. Yet still, nobody would take my money.
Did our neighbor stay with you at the hotel your mom rented when she came to town for a wedding?
I made it clear that I was fine with breaking up. I made it clear before we got serious and before I moved in that if we ever broke up, I would handle it like an adult. I would never throw someone out of their home. Why couldn't you handle it like an adult? I told you I was moving out as soon as I got my settlement and to relay that to your mother. Why couldn't you do this? What kind of person does what you did? Have YOU grown up yet? (Yes, I noticed your snarky text when I reached out after I was released. All because I called you out for acting like a child. You made fun of me for losing control of my bladder and accused me of assaulting your sister, even though you knew that I hadn't). You were SO ANGRY that I told you to grow up that you used this as fuel to hurt me later.
How many times did I tell you I was afraid of your sister? How many times did I ask you to talk to her? Your reponsess were cowardly.
Does your sister know that you didn't want to be around her? That you thought she was an alcoholic? Seems that we were both afraid of her, but I had to be the bigger person...
Did you step-father hack my phone? Sure seems like quite a few things went missing. According to Apple, a brand new iPhone would not have the passcode or Face ID disabled. Only a police could do that...
Were you in on the plan to have your family try to convince me to move to Oregon?
In our time together, what did I ever do that warranted any of the malicious behavior you executed? I stood up to your mom. I put up with your two-faced friends who lied when I questioned if they had any issues with me. I listened and consoled you when you complained about your mother, and how you wished your father had been there to defend you to her. I helped your entire family after you father died. I stood up for your mom when her husband tried to bully all of us at the camping trip. I could go on and on about the kind and thoughtful things I did for you and your family. Still, other than standing up for myself and not just leaving my home simply because we broke up (and after your cries about loving me), and talking about how excited I was for our new life, what did I do that was so horrible?
How can you expect anyone to overcome their personal issues while their partner repeatedly puts them in situations that trigger past events? How could you sit there and be upset about what my former boss did to me (and call her a C@*#), what my father did, my psycho ex did, yet do the same level of damage and inflict the same amount of trauma?
Why did you insinuate that your sister was inappropriate with you?
Did you tell your mom that I fabricated the camper? Despite the text from my friend about it? I'm curious to know what other lies you told your mom just to save your own ass.
Imagine, all of these questions that have been swirling in my mind. Things I confronted you about point blank. Things you denied. THIS IS GASLIGHTING. THIS IS MENTAL RAPE.
Abuser, if for one second you're thinking that I can't move on, or that I'm envious of your new life, you are mistaken. I feel sorry for anyone that is duped by you, a guy who calls his own sister insane. A guy who has lived off of his mother for most of his adulthood. A guy who's mother called him weak and lazy yet he clings to her to provide his needs because he's too afraid to get a job like the rest of the adult population.
I worked from the age of twelve. When I met you, I had savings in the bank. I paid for a good del of our meals and outings in the beginning, and during, I always kept it balanced. I didn't let you spend money on me during your self-proclaimed "retail therapy" days. Moving away from Los Angeles and in with you brought less work. The car accident totaled my car. And through it all, I kept going. You said I was the hardest working person you knew. You saw me struggling, humbly accepting unemployment while taking my real estate courses, networking in the community so that I could grow my photo booth business. I wrapped presents for a rich woman for 30 hours, killing my neck and back, just to make MY ends meet. You have some nerve telling me that I was "almost 50 with no job" in a time when I was doing everything I could to make a new life, since the one with you wasn't conducive to being in the industry. Sometimes people fall on hard times, especially if they switch careers, move, etc. You wouldn't know this because you've barely held a position in the workforce. You haven't worked long enough to know what its like to hit a rough patch. I did everything to get back up on my feet. I didn't wallow in my Lazy-Boy and play video games.
I never called you out, but now, I'm going to tell you what I now know: You are a coward. A narcissistic momma's boy. You are also exactly what she said: weak and lazy. You are a phony. You wear a very thick mask, because you are extremely insecure. You are the most inauthentic person I've ever met. I always made excuses for you, because I felt bad for the way your mom shamed you growing up. You know what though? In all of your complaints, not once did I hear stories of being hit, abused, or worse. Instead, I heard of a high school brat who had parties while his mom was out on dates and doing coke and his sister was out fighting and driving drunk. Its not that you didn't have your "trauma," but give me a break. Your dad didn't like the way you mowed the lawn? Your employer criticized you for messing up? Boo-fucking hoo. You never cared about money because you got it from your mom, who made sure you never struggled. She couldn't kick you out of the nest anymore than you could handle leaving the nest.
For all of the shit that I have been through, I did not treat another human being the way you, your sister, or your mother did. I never made used the shitty childhood incidents as an excuse to be a shitty human. I didn't justify my bad behavior because of what had happened to me all those years ago, the way you did for your family.
My last question; did you use me as your excuse to not pursue that career in counseling? We had a conversation about that; you didn't want to do it, and I encouraged you to finish school so that you mom couldn't hold it against you, and then you could do whwtaeve you want. We could travel, find a piece of land, have animals and campouts. We agreed that this is what we wanted. I just want to know; did you use me as an excuse to get out of something that you had already planned on getting out of? I want to know, was I your scapegoat, dear abuser?
Man, the therapists are right; it DOES feel good to finally speak on the things I was silenced from saying. It DOENS'T matter if I ever get answers. You'll more than likely blame my "anger," despite that my anger exists because of your behavior. My RATIONAL reaction to your IRRATIONAL behavior is what nobody in your "camp" will see. The dysfunction in your family is akin to the corruption in government; we've labeled people who speak up as rats, while smearing those who are transparent and do right. For over a year, I put up with your cowardice and your family's controlling and emotionally incestuous world. You of all people know that a human being behaves a certain way when they are constantly thrown into bad situations. I didn't start angry. I grew angry after the months of watching my partner bend the knee to his family's low-level collective consciousness. I can't believe that for a hot minute I thought your family was cool, or that I was grateful to finally feel that I had one. TBH (ring a bell), I can see what a group of losers all of you are, and the only reason you stick together is because well, birds of a feather.
Nothing you can say about me, or anything that you claim I did, will ever be believed by anyone who either A. Knows the full story or B. Isn't bound by loyalty to you or your mother. You did horrible things, without remorse. That, is narcissism.
Yes, I absolutely do feel better.
Sincerely,
Your Victim
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